


Always and Forever

by dr3amy4ever



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: 3x11 (OUAT) based, 3x11 quoting, Angst, Banishment, Emotional torment, Established Relationship, Feels, Flashbacks, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Monologue, M/M, Modern Setting, Overthinking, Regrets, Remorse, Romance, Yaoi, background 3x11 - alterations, regretful!Peter, world without magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 14:08:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14695779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr3amy4ever/pseuds/dr3amy4ever
Summary: After his unsuccessful attempt to cast the curse on Storybrooke, Peter is exiled by Rumpelstiltskin to the world without magic. Denied the possibility of coming back home, the former Neverland's ruler has to adapt to the new reality and deal with remorse and regrets that will haunt him always and forever...





	Always and Forever

**Author's Note:**

> There is very little action and a lot of Peter's internal monologue, analysing his feelings, thoughts, and actions, thinking back a lot to the events from 3x11

_“Then whose heart do we need, who do you love?”_

_“Love can mean many things, Felix. It doesn’t just come from romance, or family. It can also come from loyalty; friendship. Only one person has always believed in Pan.”_

_“That’s... me,” Felix chocked out in shock as sudden realisation hit him, a streak of fear in his eyes. Soon afterwards, they widened with sheer terror as I said smugly, “Don’t be afraid. Be flattered,” reaching unhesitatingly towards his chest._

_“No, no, no, no, no...!”_ _were his last words before I shoved my hand into his ribcage without a second thought and pulled his heart out; a bright, glowing red, pulsing frantically in my palm. Felix inhaled sharply and doubled over in excruciating pain, struggling for every breath, a look of shock and utter betrayal showing on his face; but I only smiled cruelly as my fingers clenched around his heart. As I proceeded, he gradually weakened, finally falling to his knees and onto the ground, his heart now nothing but mere ashes running through my fingers as he dropped dead at my feet..._

 

Peter suddenly woke up with a loud scream, sitting up on the bed abruptly and panting heavily, all in cold sweat, his heart racing hysterically and his eyes wide open. There was a rapid movement next to him, on the other side of the bed; someone was hectically fumbling about on their bedside table in an attempt to find the bedlamp switch and light up the complete darkness of the room at least a bit. However, Peter registered all that to a very limited extent, all his senses were deadened; everything came to him as if through thick fog, each sound as if from under deep water. The figure beside him finally managed to locate and switch on the lamp, then propped himself up on one elbow, facing Peter and asking him worriedly, “Peter? You alright? What happened, a bad dream?”

Only then did Peter start tuning in; he swiftly turned his head towards the person talking to him, asking in disbelief, “Felix?! Is that you?” And then it came to him all at once – it was just a dream...

Felix half flinched, half laughed at those words, huffing playfully and crossing his arms over his chest. “And who exactly did you expect in our marriage bed?” He queried curiously and raised an eyebrow at Peter, flashing him his most beautiful sly smile. “Should I be worried?” He questioned, smirking mischievously. Peter exhaled deeply, with such a relief that he almost fainted.

“Thank God, Felix, it’s you...! It’s really you…!” He exclaimed with a strangled voice, quickly launching into Felix’s embrace and snuggling tightly into his chest. The blonde froze in consternation, all traces of amusement fading rapidly from his face, being now replaced with confusion and unease. He didn’t have time to react or investigate the reasons for this puzzling behaviour though, for after a short while the hazelnut-haired boy attacked his mouth greedily with his own, clinging to his lips as though they were his oxygen and he would suffocate should he detach from them.

When the first shock passed and Peter composed himself a little, he pulled away from the kiss, but only to nestle his head on Felix’s chest, and, hanging on to his shirt with both hands as though his life depended on it, he began listening intently to Felix’s heartbeat, closing his eyes slightly as he concentrated his full attention on that wonderful sound. At that point Felix was already utterly confused and worried; he inquired with trepidation, “Peter, what happened? What did you dream about?”

Peter instantly opened his eyes, returning to reality, and quickly got up from his husband’s chest, sitting upright on his own side of the bed; he turned his head slightly from Felix and refused to look in his direction, as instead of the original terror, which had faded considerably by then, a wave of shame and guilt flooded him for a change. He took a deep breath – he had to tell him; besides, it would be no use trying to withhold the truth since, from such a spectacle he’d made of himself, Felix must have already guessed the nature of his nightmare.

“Felix... I dreamt about _that_ day...” was all that he managed to stutter out, but it well sufficed; Felix immediately got completely serious, for all his remaining doubts were finally resolved. He furrowed his eyebrows, feeling a strong pang of sadness and sympathy in his heart.

“Again?” He asked softly with concern and compassion evident in his voice. Peter nodded his head faintly with a grave expression on his face, still avoiding the taller boy’s gaze, pale as a ghost at the memory of that dreadful day; although so much time had already passed, he still felt the acute agony of remorse, burning all his insides with a fierce, inextinguishable, unbearable flame.

“Pete... it’s been over three years... you can’t torture yourself with that forever...” Felix stated quietly, reaching out his hand towards Peter. He grabbed his shoulder gently and started stroking it tenderly, trying to console the anguished boy as much as he could. “I’ve long since forgiven you, you know that.”

Peter nodded slightly, but he still stubbornly kept gazing at his hands, the duvet, the floor, the window; anywhere but in those beautiful, clever, silvery eyes, which he loved so much, yet had let down so badly... He buried his face in his hands; how could he do it? He’d never forgive himself, what he had done was unpardonable. Betraying the trust of his most loyal companion, his closest and only friend, the love of his life... trying to _sacrifice_ his life... and for what? In the name of some stupid revenge! How could it matter at all? How could he even think for a second that some worthless curse might matter more than his Felix, his second-in-command, his right-hand man – someone who’d always been willing to follow Peter’s every order without saying a word; the only person who’d always believed in him and trusted him implicitly, who’d always stood by his side, no matter what, who’d never ever failed him...

Peter had always been extremely egoistic and ruthless, never regretting any of all those evil things he’d done – however, that was before he met Felix. Everything changed when that inconspicuous, lanky, blonde boy appeared in his life – he became the only one Peter truly cared for and for whom he tried to fight his nature, to be a better person. As much as their relationship was far from being exemplary, for the green-eyed boy was often difficult to rub along with (though Felix always affirmed that he loved him just the way he was and that for him he was perfection), Peter was really doing his best to make it work between them and to deserve for Felix’s love. The tall boy was the best that had ever happened to him, and he wanted with all his heart to repay with the same – and, if the truth be told, he managed to achieve that quite well; never before had he expected himself to be capable of such selflessness.

However, what did it even matter if in the end he screwed it all up so badly, if in the most important moment he behaved according to his worst instincts, following the darkest parts of his soul? So what that he came to his senses just in time and shoved Felix’s heart back into his ribcage before it was too late to retreat, if he had been ready to do it in the first place? If he had dared to take a stab at it at all? If his lust for revenge had blinded him so much that he decided to betray the one dearest to him in all the world, if he yanked out the heart of his true love with a view to crushing it into oblivion only so that some stupid curse could work?

Only when Peter saw the expression of Felix’s eyes, that complete shock, and pain, and disbelief, but most of all, that look of utter betrayal, did he remember himself; only then did he realise what he was doing, what a big mistake he was making. It came to him that his life without Felix would make no sense; he wouldn’t be able to handle it. How could he not know it earlier? He got tied up in knots and felt a cold shiver running down his spine at the thought of what could’ve happened if he hadn’t withdrawn in time; it was so close to a catastrophe...

And yet, although he stopped himself and gave up his plans of revenge before making the worst mistake in his life, the consequences of his actions would be haunting him for life; a small catastrophe had actually happened, for he had already managed to betray Felix’s trust. What’d been done couldn’t be undone, and no matter how earnestly Felix asserted that he’d forgiven Peter and that what happened on that dreadful day was now a thing of the past, their relationship could never again be just like it had used to be – if only because Peter would never truly find peace within himself **;** that awful feeling of guilt and those horrible memories would always be present somewhere on the edges of his consciousness, from time to time coming to the surface to torment him even more, just like that night.

Peter winced at the memory of his dream and moved his head further away from Felix, even more ashamed of himself; that was when he caught a glimpse of the alarm clock and the time and date displayed on its screen. He growled internally as it turned out that it was not only the middle of the night, but also their wedding anniversary; fantastic! – he never got to fully enjoy such precious moments **,** for his stupid nightmares were always there to spoil everything. The boy was, however, very much aware that it was a well-deserved punishment, for there was no redemption for what he had done. He still couldn’t believe how Felix could forgive him; he even accepted Peter’s proposal just a couple days after that foul deed, and they got married only a few months later! He still couldn’t comprehend that; Felix had told him that ‘true love would forgive anything’, but he wasn’t very convinced. Felix was way too good for him – he didn’t deserve to be loved by such an incredible person and he was painfully aware of that...

The boy shook his head to shoo those nagging thoughts away; he’d already thought it through so many times, it was enough – he wouldn’t come up with anything new. But there was one more thing, one detail that particularly disturbed him... it was eating away at him; he had to tell Felix, or else he’d explode...

“Um, Felix... this time was… a bit different… In this dream I... I-I actually DID c-crush your h-h...” His voice cracked at the word ‘heart’, he wasn’t able to speak it out loud; he hung his head miserably as he gave up, swallowing his tears. Felix was a bit shocked at this news but he took Peter in his arms without hesitation, placing the shorter boy’s head on his chest, and started kissing his hair gently.

“Shhh… it's ok… it was just a dream… just a bad dream…” he whispered softly in between kisses.

“It was horrible, Fee! I thought I had killed you! I thought I’d never see you again... I wouldn’t survive without you...!” Peter exclaimed in terror and started sobbing uncontrollably, burying his face into his husband’s chest.

“Shh... I'm right here baby, right here with you...” Felix started cooing soothingly, holding Peter tightly in his embrace. “I’m ok, you’re ok, everything is ok... I love you... we’re here, together... we’ll always be together... I’ll never leave you, I swear... we’ll always be together, always and forever, I promise...”

And with that he kissed Peter’s temple, then his forehead, and then he started peppering his whole face with soft, gentle kisses, wiping all his tears and worries away. Peter relaxed a little in the taller boy’s arms and started reciprocating the kisses. Shortly thereafter, their lips met in a sweet and slow, yet passionate kiss, perfectly reflecting the power of love and affection they shared. After a few minutes of this display of feelings they pulled away and decided to go back to sleep for the remaining few hours before sunrise – they needed to be rested for the intense and fun-filled day of anniversary celebration that awaited them. The couple snuggled tightly and fell asleep pressed together as one, not wanting to let go of each other ever again...

***

 _Always and forever._ Liar. _I’ll never leave you._ Bullshit. _We’ll always be together, always and forever._ Liar, liar, LIAR!

“You’re a fucking liar, Felix!” Peter realised he’d vocalised his last thought when he caught a glimpse of a few people staring at him from a few yard’s distance. He took a deep breath to try and regain his composure, at least enough not to make a public scene. To calm himself down a little, or, more accurately, to numb his nerves into a false sense of quietude, he took a large swallow of amber liquid from the bottle of bourbon he brought with himself from home; at that point he didn’t give a single damn about drinking in public, he could even receive a fine or get arrested – seriously, he couldn’t care less. Peter winced at the strength of the drink and sighed heavily as he reminisced about that night before their third anniversary. He felt a sharp pang of pain in his heart as he thought back to Felix’s words.

“You lied to me!” He started muttering to himself again, in an angry whisper. “You promised you’d never leave me... you made a vow, you swore!” He started shouting again, this time not noticing the curious looks shot in his direction. “And then you left me...” His voice cracked and he felt his eyes start brimming with tears; he quickly wiped them with his sleeve – he was no cry-baby. But today was their fifth anniversary... or, actually, it _would_ _be_ if Felix was still his husband... Peter’s heart sank as he gazed at the words written in a fancy calligraphy: _Felix Parker Pan_.

“I don’t care you didn’t mean to, I don’t care it wasn’t your fault!” He snapped as sudden, full-blown fury came over him. “I don’t care you had a green light, I don’t care the driver was drunk!”

He was beginning to stumble as he spat the resentful words; although he could hold his liquor quite well, he’d already drunk pretty much that day, despite it still being relatively early – it was maybe three o’clock and he was halfway through a second bottle by then.

“I don’t care about any of that!” He continued reproachfully, his words slightly blurred due to the influence of alcohol. “You should’ve been more careful, you should’ve watched out! You were supposed to be there for me! Always and forever!” His words were getting louder by the minute as he began losing control over himself again.

“Fucking FOREVER!” He yelled out finally, throwing the half-full bottle forcefully onto the nearest tree; the glass shattered into a million pieces with a loud smash, shards and spilled fluid littering the path beside the tree. Peter collapsed onto the ground helplessly, tears streaming down his cheeks as he fixed his eyes on the silvery-grey tombstone, so much reminding him of a certain pair of gorgeous, deep eyes he’d never see again...

It was Felix’s death anniversary – he died in a car accident exactly two years ago, on the day of their wedding triennial; only a few hours after making a promise of being with Peter _always and forever_...

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, sorry for the emotional destruction but I kind of had to;) I really hated that Peter killed Felix and I wanted to change it, but I didn't want to make it too happy and sugary, so I ended up with something like that. And it is my first Panlix ever, so I'd really appreciate some feedback cause I'm curious how it reads. I dunno why I started with it tho, I have plenty of other, less heart-breaking ideas, fluff, smut etc. but I managed to complete this as first - guess I had to deal with 3x11 somehow before moving on to other fics ;)


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